crush-ed

This is a post I started last night...


sadly I'm crying at this very moment.

My crush, yes, my best friend, RT has elected to stop communication with me because he("we" really but I didn't mean it) finds it too hard for the two of us to remain friends. He loves me, he cares for me, he will miss me but he cannot move forward and have a girlfriend at this time in his life. It seems the pressure has grown too much. We have a long past that includes some pretty intense moments in our lives but I still love him and I know he loves me. In the hopes of something more I seemed to have pushed him further away....and this is where the tears flow. Its my fault. I wanted so much it causes me to lose it all.

I'm sad. I'm alone. I'm heart broken.

He really is the love of my life and truly my best friend.

What am I going to do now when I need a good laugh?
Who is going to talk me to sleep every night
Who will keep me updated on the latest and great youtube videos?
Who can I vent all my work frustrations to?
Who will let me share ever deep dark secret with them and not judge?
Who is going to love me for me? WHO?!?

I know Blogging gives me some relief but I want the hug that comes after the bad day. I want the kiss that comes after I love you. I want the warm body sprawled over me while watching tv. I want my best friend back.

I'm scared.

As my eyes grow puffy and my heart heavy I find myself only wanting to stay in the sanctuary of my own home...alone. Back to insecure depressed homebody 101.



Now thats where last nights post ends and this morning begins.

I talked to RT again late last night. He expressed his sadness knowing how dissapointed I was. He made it very clear that it wasn't me, he just couldn't put the effort into a (long distance)relationship like he knew I wanted. He worried that if we tried it things would turn sour. He says things like " I don't know if I'm cut out for dating....but then he says he's not sure if he will always feel this way. I haven't mentioned it yet b/c I got my hopes all up but Last week he came down and we spend 3-4 days together and had the best time. No pressure. No expectations. Equal comromise. (No sex just cuddling). I explained clearly to him that I want that! He agreed it was great but still worries(negatively) about the end result! Why do boys have such a hard time going out on a limb?!?! If he can tell me he loves me and that this last month has been great and we both want to spend time with one another doesn't that warrant trying things out?

wow almost started crying at work thinking about it.

Sex on the Mind

Not sure how it came up but sex was the main topic of conversation yesterday. I was with T and my other friend Ruby at the pool all day with a few hot boys when it all started. Hot boy numero uno, lets call him Sexy (very fitting for the time being), was definitely in my line of site all day. I was flirting hard core and found myself with a serious crush. We, being girls, giggled about all the hotties around us and kept cracking jokes about how much we missed sex! I won’t lie, all the talk made it really hard for me to stay composed. Thank god for the pool temp because I really needed to cool off! Well Sexy and his friend invited Ruby and I to dinner. It was there that they asked why we kept teasing about a drought. Well, Ruby is in love with a boy who, due to work reasons, moved to Denver, CO. So needless-to-say she doesn’t get any unless he is in town. Then there is me, and as much as I want to lay down the next hot boy I see (particularly the one sitting right next to me) I’m a good girl and I know that it would not be enjoyable FOR ME if I have no feelings for him. AND, if I’m going to have sex it had better be enjoyable damnit! Now I talk a lot and am not shy so the boys asked why I didn’t just have sex....as if I’m just going to give it up. HA! Silly boys! I explained that although I don’t mind talking about sex and all its pleasures that doesn’t mean I’m going to just go to bed with some guy I don’t know. Then I explained how my 1 one-night-stand in college ended with me unsatisfied! NO BUENO! Never again! Completely regretted it and still do! I can’t feel used while having sex....and I did...and it sucked.
Now don’t get me wrong, when and if the right guy comes alone (even if its not forever) I will be all over it! Sex is a must....good sex is a must! And with the amount of time that’s gone by now...it shouldn’t be that hard to please me.
Well back to the boys....dinner was good, along with the 2 hour sex convo but there wasn’t a if-we-had-sex-this-is-what-it-would-look-like moment like Kali’s....YES, I’m still jealous Girl! Sexy was nice but shy. His friend said if you like him you have to be pretty bold. So maybe next time we meet up I will muster up the courage to do something bold. Wish me luck! Oh, How I wish I had something more juicy to tell you...humph!
Well thats it....FOR NOW!

Mind vs Heart

RT has been calling me a lot lately. Yes, we've been best friends for a long time but its obvious some of our feelings are still there...and deep. We talk mostly about his school, and crack a few jokes but somehow dating came up the other night. I'm not a lair by any means so I decided to suck it up and tell him I went on a blind date with someone and we are now casually dating. He seemed speechless as if I had cheated on him. It was so weird. We got off the phone quickly and then the texts started...as if it were easier for him to be sad or disappointed through a text.
RT: I'm not mad. You are right, you can't just wait around.
Me: I just wanted to be honest. You are my best friend and I don't want to jeopardize that.
RT: That means a lot. Thank you.

I was seriously crushed. It was like I had chosen another boy over him...when in all reality I didn't know he was one of my choice (and still don't).

I like Curt but at this point our relationship is nowhere near RT and I's but I still want to see where it will go. I swear my Heart is launching an all out war with my Mind. Help!

O'well, like I told RT I can't just wait around for him to figure out where he is in his life so I'm going to continue to have fun and date. AND if something deeper and stronger comes along....well then it just wasn't meant to be.....right????

compatiblility...

So two young (for lack of a better word) Contractor helpers came in on Tuesday to pick up their supplies and I started chatting with them as they were waiting. I'm a friendly person as I've mentioned before so the convo was nothing more than the normal customer/employee chit chat.
Well 10min go by and the phone rings, (yes the annoying phone) and it's him.

Joe- Hey, I was just in there picking up my order
Me- Yes
Joe - I bought the yellow crew driver..
Me- Yes
Joe- Oh, ok. Well I was wondering if you wanted to go out and play pool with me one night?
Me- (SPEECHLESS) umm.... wow that's so flattering but ummm.... (Beware Lie ahead) I just got out of a serious relationship and I promised myself I wouldn't date for a while. But Thank you so much...that was very sweet of you to ask.
Joe - Oh ok well have a nice day.
Me- ok you too.

OK I absolutely had no clue which one he was but still this is where I stand and why "the lie" was used. Things I've learned from guys in the past:

-Don't date guys that are shorter than you....b/c no matter what they say at the beginning the insecurities always come out later.
-Don't ever date a guy with a lower income than yours - same insecurities come out later.
-Don't date a guy with a much lower education than you - conversations and interest tend to be way different. Now this isn't with all but I've found it with most. Plus this tends to run hand in hand with the income.
-He must be close to my equal in regards to interests, life style, and morals...and he must be confident! Not perfect just confident.

None of these things have to do with looks. If you truly understand me you will see they shape a persons personality and compatibility with you.... Long term relationship compatibility. I'm at the age where I won't date someone I know there's no long term possibility with. Looks are just the cover of the book...and I must have a great novel to know I will stay interested past the intro. Know what I mean??

Ok so if you are still following me, you can put two and two together and see that no matter which guy this was I'm not going to be interested long term because...
1. he is most likely only a high school graduate.
2. if you heard the way he spoke it was obvious he didn't get much from that high school education
3. I don't live on this side of town (I'm helping at a branch that's an hour away from my house)
4. not sure playing pool with him and his friend will make me be more interested
5. him being a "helper" makes me not even want to know his income.
6. something told me he would only want to play pool or hang with his buddies....not go out on the town and hang out with my friends.

OK right about now, you're probably thinking I'm being a total snob! but really I'm not, its completely rational. I'm a college graduate. I don't make a lot of money but I can support myself without help from a roommate or family. I like to read and learn. And I hate petty fights....like "do you have to wear your heals tonight" or "you don't have to pay for me! I just won't go".
I know dating for me has come to a halt lately but I think I've been pretty accurate on my dating choices looking back on the relationships I've had in the past.....1yr, 3yrs, 2yrs, 1yr. So I must be doing something right. Now although they didn't work out they still had great potential! Sometimes there's one big obstacle you just can't over come.

So what is your opinion...honestly. I'm curious to hear if anyone things I'm being WAY too picky!


Thanks to everyone for your well wishes!! I'm feeling much better today but that probably has a lot to do with me sleeping a good 10hrs and coming into work late.

Out with the old, in with the....

Ok I'm done with every gmail guy and past relationship I've ever been with. Midway through my day, while baking in the extremely hot Texas sun, I decided I'm wiping the slate clean. In all honesty if I feel nothing for these boys now, I'm probably not going to change my mind in the future. So while in deep thought I find myself listening in to a phone conversation to my right. A young very cute blond girl chatting away with her mother about how amazing this weekend was. How everything came out perfect and how pleased "they" were. She mentioned she was exhausted from last nights event and that she was relaxing by the pool today and heading out first thing in the morning with "him".
I mixed all the info up in my head only to conclude she has just gotten married. So as soon as her conversation ended, being the friendly outgoing person I am I decided to ask her. " I'm sorry I couldn't help but overhear you talking.....did you just get married?" She replied with the biggest smile on her face "Yes!" With congrats, I went on to ask details about her special day. BTW her name is Brooke. I'm such a sap and a romantic so I went ahead and asked about how they met and feel in love. She said it was pretty short and simple, her friend called her up and told her she had to meet her boyfriend's best friend... so to end the story, he is now her Hubby. See I told you it was short!!
We talked for a good 10-20 min about her wedding when she started to shift the conversation over about me, Yes, boring single me. She of course asked the infamous question "Oh why...you are so cute and seem like such a doll" HAHA well here's the short version of my "story"(post 1)
She expressed her disbelief as most do and went on to tell me that I seem to have made it out ON TOP! And all I could say was "Thanks, I like to think so....I'm just not a fan of dating yet" She reply, "I don't think anyone really is, I'm glad its over for me."
So out of nowhere she says..."you know what? I would love to pay if forward.... My Hubby has a great, very cute, single guy friend and if you are up for it I would love to set you two up on a blind date." Without thinking I said, "Wow, Ummm... Ssssuuuure???(with a half confused, maybe this could be good but I don't know, look on my face) Why not, I have nothing to lose." I've never tried it before so if it fails miserably at least I'll have a good horror story to post about...haha!

Well around 8pm I received a text saying "Talked to him and he wants to go out". So I replied "Awesome, well I hope you two have a great trip and I will talk to you when you get back, Congrats again!"

So Brooke returns on Friday and I'm not sure where or when this little shin-dig is going down but I'm kind of anxious now. She is a very cute girl so I'm assuming she has good taste in guys plus she seemed to know the guy well so I'm assuming also that I'm his type....wow what expectations am I set up for?! or set up to fail...crap!! I don't even know what a REAL date consist of. I'm a lounge on the couch with ice cream in hand watching a romantic comedy kind of girl. DUDE, I'm so screwed!

Any words of advice...or should I totally just back out? :-/



pic story: My mom decided she wanted last minute photos of everyone so in the middle of my sister's photo shoot she snapped this one of me trying to entertain Maddie in bluebonnets.

watch your step...

there are a lot of things going on here...

First I get an email from my best friend this am.

"I've got an appt with the dr at 4pm because I think I might be pregnant. I'm FREAKING out!! What do I do if I am? I have to keep it but then what?? OMG I'm so scared."

WOW! That came from left field. So I guess I'm in for some REALLY Good news at 4 or some Life changing sh*t!

Second, I'm sad to say My sis and niece are going home this weekend.

Things I won't quickly forget:

-the first time Maddie said my name

-the enormous crap she took that sent a long lasting aroma around my apartment for almost an hour.

-Maddie choosing me over Mommy!! More than once!! She loves me! What can I say, I ROCK!

-Trying to feed the ducks but realizing the bread was disappearing quicker than we could get the duck to the shore. Maddie was hungry!

I will miss her more than anything!! But already have my trip planned to visit them in July!

And...the Boy has continued to call and is now asking when I'm coming down to float the river with him. Always leaving my answer open and questionable, I honestly don't know what to think or do. I've read everyone's thoughts in my previous posts and I DON'T want to go if he just wants me to want him...and that's it! Blahh....the thought of that pisses me off!

Lastly....I'm happy and feeling cute today because I got some sweet new shoes yesterday. NOOO...not high priced Gucci stilettos. Actually these cool kicks came from Target!! And guess how much they were??? You never will......$12.99. And I don't care who bashes me. I don't buy just for the label. I liked these shoes so much I bought the other design too. AND YES, I'm wearing the black ones with my dress slacks today...who dares to say something?!?!

ok that's all for today!

I'M LOST!!

Why are boys so difficult?!?!

text from RT night before last:
"Guess we're not buddies anymore"
Me:
"Why? Did I do something?"


about an hour later I get a phone call...
RT:
" Hey you haven't called in a few days"
Me:
"Well you have a phone too"
RT:
"Well I knew I had been calling you a lot lately so I was waiting for you to call me"
Me:
" What? Why? that's just gay!! Now I know I told you when we started talking again I was going to give you plenty of space since you said you were trying to stay focused on school, Plus my sister and niece are in town so I've been a little busy."
RT:
"Oh yeah, well no biggie I was just joking with you. I never thought we weren't buddies anymore."

***This is as close to WORD TO WORD as its going to get

Ok well he has called me twice since then!!!

Now A Question for all you boys!!! WHY ARE YOU SO DIFFICULT!?!?!?!
What does this mean? Is he just trying to see where I stand? Is he disappointed I haven't been calling him like he has been calling me? Should I call him more? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!?!?!
I'M LOST! :-(

boys boys boys....

ok so one of the "gmail" boys (reference previous post) sent me a "chat" while I was idle yesterday...


Cv: i know you are busy and i have a doctors appointment coming up today but later .. give me a call .. we need to talk

I'm sorry but doesn't this SCREAM "break up" of something to you....as if we were dating at all??? ok So I get back online b/c I'm super curious....

me: so I'm not busy now
whats up?
Cv: ok ... so I was thinking
you didn't have your spring break yet, right?
me: no but I don't really get one
Cv: but you could take a day off like ... let's say .. Friday or so? .. anyway .. i know you are busy with Em(my sis) and your niece and Easter is coming up .. but sometime after that ... it would be nice if we could do something .. no strings, no pressure .. just plain fun
me: ok, I could probably do that
me: I'm not sure what you are thinking
so how about you throw your ideas my way
and I say "Cool" or "Yuck"
Cv: ok .. so i saw you expressed some interest in NYC and San Fran .. those are one option ... the other is Cancun ... throwing you out of the plane .. I can do that any day :).
me: haha, ok, just us or is this a group venture?
Cv: well unfortunately .. most of my friends are on spring break as we speak
me: oh soo...what would the plan be when we get there
either NYC, San Fran, or Cancun
Cv: NYC .. there is a ton of things to do ... city never sleeps .. sightseeing, eat, drink .. etc .. same with san fran .. Cancun .. i am thinking relax on the beach and .. i have never been snorkeling .. i wanna try that


OK So this is kind of awkward for me....I've gone out with this guy a few times but we've never even kissed. He just seems more like a good friend to me now. Based on the way he asked and the comments he made...what do you think? Of course I want to go, It would be super fun! BUT...would it be bad too? Would he think more of "us" than I want. Because as of right now he KNOWS I do not want a relationship. Actually I'm kinda at a lose as to why he wants me to go....He is cool and we have fun hanging out but why would he want to pay for just a (girl) friend to go to Cancun with him? Well actually he has tones of flyer miles due to work travel and he makes pretty good money...so I guess the money isn't an issue.
** background FYI: He is 30, polish, and hasn't seriously dated in 5 yrs b/c of his work travel. He's been back and forth between NYC, San Fran, Malon Italy, and Houston.

So with all that said....opinions are needed!!


oh and RT is coming in town tonight but I don't think we are meeting up til tomorrow night.
:: small smile ::


OH BOYS BOYS BOYS...what have I gotten myself into!