crush-ed

This is a post I started last night...


sadly I'm crying at this very moment.

My crush, yes, my best friend, RT has elected to stop communication with me because he("we" really but I didn't mean it) finds it too hard for the two of us to remain friends. He loves me, he cares for me, he will miss me but he cannot move forward and have a girlfriend at this time in his life. It seems the pressure has grown too much. We have a long past that includes some pretty intense moments in our lives but I still love him and I know he loves me. In the hopes of something more I seemed to have pushed him further away....and this is where the tears flow. Its my fault. I wanted so much it causes me to lose it all.

I'm sad. I'm alone. I'm heart broken.

He really is the love of my life and truly my best friend.

What am I going to do now when I need a good laugh?
Who is going to talk me to sleep every night
Who will keep me updated on the latest and great youtube videos?
Who can I vent all my work frustrations to?
Who will let me share ever deep dark secret with them and not judge?
Who is going to love me for me? WHO?!?

I know Blogging gives me some relief but I want the hug that comes after the bad day. I want the kiss that comes after I love you. I want the warm body sprawled over me while watching tv. I want my best friend back.

I'm scared.

As my eyes grow puffy and my heart heavy I find myself only wanting to stay in the sanctuary of my own home...alone. Back to insecure depressed homebody 101.



Now thats where last nights post ends and this morning begins.

I talked to RT again late last night. He expressed his sadness knowing how dissapointed I was. He made it very clear that it wasn't me, he just couldn't put the effort into a (long distance)relationship like he knew I wanted. He worried that if we tried it things would turn sour. He says things like " I don't know if I'm cut out for dating....but then he says he's not sure if he will always feel this way. I haven't mentioned it yet b/c I got my hopes all up but Last week he came down and we spend 3-4 days together and had the best time. No pressure. No expectations. Equal comromise. (No sex just cuddling). I explained clearly to him that I want that! He agreed it was great but still worries(negatively) about the end result! Why do boys have such a hard time going out on a limb?!?! If he can tell me he loves me and that this last month has been great and we both want to spend time with one another doesn't that warrant trying things out?

wow almost started crying at work thinking about it.